Guilty Conscience

I started this whole blog-thing over a month ago, and I just haven't been able to get my act together. Why, you ask?

Because I'm too effin busy trying to be super-mom-wife-teacher-human being.

I know, I know. I am far from being the only woman in the world who is trying to balance marriage/work/motherhood. I get it, I do. But knowing that I'm not alone does not make getting through every day any easier. I am exhausted from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. I feel like I have zero time for me (not that I'd know what to do with it anyway - - read, maybe? ha!). And what's worse is that even with my attention so focused on anything but me, I know that I'm failing - maybe not failing, but I'm not succeeding either - at everything I do.

With every aspect of my life - hubby, toddler, job - I'm sure that each of them are getting the short end of the stick. I know I'm not pulling my weight around the house. I can't remember the last time I actually a cooked a real meal (the little guy seems to have something against me standing at the counter doing something that takes my attention away from him), I have slacked at getting laundry done (I hate, hate, hate having to lug the stuff down the stairs and outside to the basement), and I've become increasingly lax with cleaning (vacuum? duster? not in my vocabulary). And I swear that I was not always this way! I used to be fanatical about cleaning! Dust bunnies - never! Streaky mirror - no way! What the hell happened to the old Danny Tanner I used to be?? What's worse is that my poor, poor hubby gets virtually no attention from me. He brings down the laundry (which, at least, we do fold together!) and is usually the one to haul out the vacuum. But forget about any romance...and I feel like I'm to blame.

And my poor son. When he and I are alone together, do I get on the floor and play with him and be the silly goof I know is in me somewhere? Sometimes. (I don't know how you SAHMs do it!) If I can muster up the energy, I'll throw him on my back for a horsey ride or race cars with him. But usually I'm plopped on the couch watching his cartoons while he throws his puzzle pieces around. The most I end up doing is reading his books to him (which I do get great satisfaction from). It breaks my heart to know that I'm cheating him out of attention that he deserves more than anyone in my life. Will he remember that in 5-10-15 years? Probably not, but I will.

Then there are my students. Last semester, I had 72 15-year olds. Truth be told, they were decent kids (some better than others) and for the most part were well-behaved and willing to do their work. But boy did I shortchange them. There were many days where I just didn't have the energy or will to do what I would call "active" teaching. More than I would like to admit, I would give them something to read and then answer just to keep them quiet so I could sit and recharge. I don't want to go into 'teacher rant mode' but most people don't realize how difficult and all-consuming it is to be so "on" at all times. I remember days working in the private sector where I could sit, zoning out at my computer, thinking about nothing at all yet still making it look like I was working. These moments just do not exist in teaching. And when I give my kids their "busy work" or throw on a movie, I know that they're losing out on a potentially great lesson. I just can't do it every day.

Sigh. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, I really don't. I love my life, my husband, my son, my job and everyone else around me. I'm truly happy. But no one told me that being happy would make me so tired or so guilty!